The White Lotus's Portrayal of Female Friendship Makes Me Sad

I'd never get by without my girlfriends

In case there aren’t enough recaps and think-pieces on The White Lotus flooding the internet…I’ve got one more! We need to talk about Kate, Laurie, Jaclyn, and the portrayal of female friendship on this show. Spoilers ahead.

The other day, I called my friend who has known me better than most for more than 20 years. We caught up and then she said, “What do you really want to talk about?”

“I’m really struggling with ____,” I admitted. My poor friend. She’s heard me struggle with this same old shit for more than two decades. “I know you’re sick of me talking about this.”

“No I’m not,” she said. And then we talked about it. It was a conversation I was desperate to have. ______ was driving me to insanity. She listened as I tried to untangle the knots in my head, we bounced ideas off each other. I felt a little better—like perhaps I was a tolerable human being, worthy of love, despite the fact that I continued to—might always—struggle with _____.

Which brings me to last week’s penultimate episode of Season 3 of The White Lotus and childhood friends, Jaclyn, Kate, and Laurie.

For those of you who aren’t watching: Jaclyn is a famous television actress, Kate is a wealthy, stay-at-home mom who lives in Texas, and Laurie is a single, divorced mother and a corporate lawyer. Though they moon over being together at the beginning, it’s obvious that there are major cracks in this friendship from the get-go. Kate tells Jaclyn how beautiful she looks, then presses her about what work she’s had done. Laurie drinks too much then lets out a guttural wail when she spies the other two chatting, likely gossiping about her (she’s right). Clearly, there are old wounds here. Kate and Laurie gossip about Jaclyn’s vanity and her recent marriage to a younger man— Jaclyn and Laurie gab about Kate’s possible/probable vote for Trump. Jaclyn tells Laurie she should hook up with their chiseled Russian personal butler, Valentin, only to sleep with him herself.

It’s one hot juicy mess.

At dinner—the night after the big hookup—the cracks begin to shatter. Laurie’s pissed at Jaclyn and accuses her of pulling the same shit she always pulls and tells her she’s untrustworthy. Without missing a beat, Jaclyn goes after Laurie:

“If you always choose the short stick, is it bad luck? Are you life’s victim? Or are you doing it to yourself?”

Kate agrees: “When you know someone long enough, you start to see patterns…the source of your disappointment changes, but the constant is you’re always disappointed.”

“And you’re always fake and fronting like your life is perfect,” Laurie spits back at Kate. Then she points at Jaclyn: “And you’re vain and selfish.”

Oof.

Ok, I know we’re not looking to The White Lotus for pure reality—Mike White is obsessed with deranged drama and the darkest, most depraved corners the soul (we won’t even go there with the Ratliff family’s issues with prescription drugs, scandal, and brother love…hoo boy…) But, still…I couldn’t get that conversation at the dinner table out of my head.

Then, I read numerous articles affirming the Laurie-Jaclyn-Kate dynamic: “It is amazing how right Mike gets female friendship” - Vanity Fair. White Lotus Highlights the Way Old Friends Bring Out Our Worst Selves -New York Times.

It makes me sad. I have experienced another story to be true.

It is no small feat for a woman in her mid-forties (especially with kids) to take a week vacation with friends. I’ve never managed to do such a thing since I became a mom. The longest girls-only adventure I’ve had is three nights. Those trips were filled with long life recaps, vulnerable shares, hikes through mountain passes, too-late dance nights, and genuine, soul-filling fun.

Four days in the backcountry with these glorious women

It follows that, if I were ever able to carve a whole entire week out, it’s a certain kind of friend I’d trust that kind of time and effort to.

And those friends—those worthy-of-a-week-together-in-an-exotic-locale-Friends—I’ve shared everything with them over the years—they know the truest, most flawed version of me. We have griped about the petty, waxed on about the profound, wept and laughed, and held a hell of a lot of space for each other.

It’s not like we’re perfect. A friend in crisis once texted me: Where are you?! I need you right now and you’re not showing up. It stung—I fucked up!—but I was grateful too. Tough love comes from a rare and honest place.

As we navigate life, my friends have been an essential resource to work through life’s inevitable quagmires and dung piles. A lifeline outside my marriage and family to listen without judgement—to be seen as a more whole human, not just the wife/mother I am nearly every minute of the day. I have had friends get on planes to appear on my doorstep—and I have appeared on theirs. They have held me through my darkest moments.

These sisterhoods are sacred to me.

You know who’s the most sick of hearing me talk about ____? Me, that’s who. I’m well aware of the crap and insecurities that have haunted me my entire life. Do I have blind spots? Of course. Do my friends have thoughts about my shortcomings and failures? Probably! Do we lament about aging and talk about our longing to stay beautiful? Hell yes, but only in an affirming we-all-deserve-Botox-should-we-want-it kind of way.

What I know to be true: we wouldn’t weaponize that-which-plagues-us against each other.

I’m not saying friends don’t mess up. I’ve hurt and been hurt by friends—been through my fair share of friend drama and breakups. But there’s less and less of that the older I get.

Roxane Gay wrote in her book Bad Feminist: “Abandon the cultural myth that all female friendships must be bitchy, toxic, or competitive. This myth is like heels and purses — pretty but designed to SLOW women down.”

I agree.

Recently, a friend told me she didn’t want to bother me by talking about something really big she has been going through. “I feel like I’ve burdened you too much with this,” she said.

“Do you not want to hear about the things I’m struggling with?” I asked her.

“No,” she said.

“Please don’t add guilt about sharing this with me on top of everything you’re going through,” I said. “I want to be here for you. That’s what friends are for.”

That is what friends are for. To see each other through the thick of life. To show up in love. To help each other climb out of the darkness and laugh together in the light.

I guess we’ll all see where Kate, Laurie and Jaclyn are headed on Sunday (Backstabbing? Blackmail? Break up? Murder?!) Can’t wait!

UPDATE

Well, I watched the finale. When the three friends expressed only love for each other at the last dinner, it was sweet—but did we buy it? As I thought back on the season, I realized they were never curious about each other. Never did Laurie and Kate ask about Jaclyn’s new marriage in any real way. No one asked Laurie about what her daughter might be going through and how it was affecting her. And Kate exuded perfection just like Laurie said at the table—we ultimately know nothing of substance about her kids, her marriage, or her life. But, oh how they love each other! Hmmm. I’m not so sure White Lotus earned that moment.